Well, in an effort to introduce something lighthearted as far as China is concerned, I would like to start the first of a (hopefully) long list of humorous/amusing items. Andy Borowitz had just written a funny piece titled “China Buys Naming Rights to U.S.“, which I am pretty certain is completely made up. (H/T to China Hearsay)
In a landmark deal that could provide much-needed cash to America’s anemic economy, China agreed today to acquire the naming rights to the U.S. for a reported $1.4 trillion.
…
“We get 1.4 trillion dollars, and all we have to do is change our name to ‘Panda Garden,'” Mr. Bush told reporters at the White House.
…
In addition to the $1.4 trillion, the Chinese government said that it would provide $10 million to commission a new national anthem that would somehow incorporate the words “Panda Garden” in the lyrics, and to redesign the nation’s flag, which will henceforth be known as “the stars, stripes, and adorable bear.”
I gotta give Andy credit for knowing that a panda is also a bear. I just realized that it was not something commonly known (even in China, apparently) recently via a post by Matthew Yglesias. Just check out the comments there.
TonyP4 says
I wrote several satires just for FUN. Here is one to respond to the US media emphasized total medal count is more important than no. of gold medals.
—————-
Celebration of Olympics Bronzes
What happened?
How can we lose gold count to China, a third world country?
Let’s have a national holiday of mourning. No one objects I bet!
Let’s have a national contest of the best excuses of winning so less gold medals.
It has to be the BEST, so it could worth a gold in this category.
What to do?
Borrow more money from China to buy foreign coaches…
No Speedo to Australia and China.
My secret weapon is to import 8 Jamaican runners. Money talks!
Bribe the judges (a little harder as everyone hates us but money talks again).
Change all the rules to our favor: 5 medals for basketball, 1 for table tennis, 0 for diving…
All tiebreakers must go our way as our sponsors own the Olympics.
We will amplify their “shortcomings”:
copying our advance lip sing technique, working too hard, starting before you can walk, their security system too tight, the Chinese smiling too much…
The Chinese must have put slippery jell on our batons and/or the gym apparatus.
Develop a dope that can take out all dope traces from our body.
“One country, all medals” is our new Olympics slogan.
The more wishfully we think, the closer we succeed.
How to heal now, really?
Write to Dear Abby for starter.
Bronze is the same as gold if not better.
If you do not believe me, ask any blind person here.
It is harder to get a bronze as we have to LET two others to win.
We’ll train our athletes for the bronze from now on.
NBC should interview bronze winners only as they are the real winners.
Actually we’ll be happier to be #3 and build a better relationship with other nations.
Stop laughing. It is a fact!!!
Phelps, we love you more with 8 bronze medals – it is no easy job to let 2 and ONLY 2 pass you 8 times.
If everything does not work, turn ugly.
Ask McDonald’s and KFC to give away their “food” (better than opium) to China FREE, so their next generation will be so fat that they cannot walk to the subway station.
Send soldiers to grab the medals, esp. gold. Hey, we have the best offense.
Will the world be better if we only fought for gold medals only (bronze medals in our case)?
What an Olympic spirit to celebrate the winning of the bronze!
— 8/22/08. Created for fun. No politics. No dumb nationalism. No ego. 90% false, 10% true. 100% fun. Hope no offense to you.
TonyP4 says
The follow is just distributed to me. Author unknown. Chicken means prostitutes in Hong Kong – maybe same for the rest of China. Sorry if u cannot read traditional Chinese.
> 國 內 老 師 分 發 的 問 卷 ，
> 請 學 生 翻 譯 肯 德 基 雞 店 的 廣 告 ，
> 結 果 「 We do chicken right 」 四 個 字,
> 不 但 有 二 十 八 種 不 同 譯 法 ，
> 而 且 全 部 譯 錯 ， 人 笑 得 直 不 起 腰.
>
>
> 不 過 創 意 實 在 高 ， 抄 下 來 讓 大 家 欣
> 賞:
>
>
> 我 們 做 雞 是 對 的
> 我 們 就 是 做 雞 的
> 我 們 有 做 雞 的 權 利
>
> 我 們 只 做 雞 的 右 半 邊
>
> 我 們 只 作 右 邊 的 雞
>
> 我 們 可 以 做 雞 ， 對 吧 ？
>
> 我 們 行 使 了 雞 的 權 利
>
> 我 們 主 張 雞 權
>
> 我 們 還 是 做 雞 好
>
> 做 雞 有 理
>
> 我 們 讓 雞 向 右 看 齊
>
> 我 們 只 做 正 確 的 雞
>
> 我 們 肯 定 是 雞
>
> 只 有 我 們 可 以 做 雞
>
> 向 右 看 ！ 有 雞 ！
>
> 我 們 要 對 雞 好
>
> 我 們 願 意 雞 好
>
> 我 們 的 材 料 是 正 宗 的 雞 肉
>
> 我 們 公 正 的 做 雞
>
> 我 們 做 雞 正 點 耶
>
> 我 們 只 做 正 版 的 雞
>
> 我 們 做 雞 做 的 很 正 確
>
> 我 們 正 在 做 雞 好 不 好 ？
>
> 我 們 一 定 要 把 雞 打 成 右 派
>
> 我 們 做 的 是 右 派 的 雞
>
> 我 們 只 做 右 撇 子 雞
>
> 我 們 做 雞 最 專 業
>
> 我 們 叫 雞 有 理 !
>
kui says
I went through that stage myself.
TonyP4 says
This one is passed to me and like to share for FUN. It is a joke on loss of translation and of course on sex. No need to comment as it is a joke. Hope not to offend your high moral standard.
——–
Subject：老外翻譯的「三字經」（爆笑！）
哈哈，這個超級爆笑！！！！！！
人之初： At the beginning of life,
性本善： Sex is good..
性相近： Basically, all the sex are same.
習相遠： But it depends on how you do it.
苟不教： If you do not practice all the time,
性乃遷： Sex will leave you.
教之道： The way of learning it
貴以專： It is very important to make love with only one person.
昔孟母： Once a great mother, Mrs Meng
擇鄰處： Choose her neighbor to avoid bad sex influence.
子不學： If you don’t study hard,
斷機杼： Your dick will become useless.
竇燕山： Dou, the Famous,
有義方： Owned a very effective exciting medicine.
教五子： All his five sons took it.
名俱揚： And their sexual ability were well-known.
養不教： If your children don’t know how to do it,
父之過： It is all your fault.
教不嚴： If they had lots of problems with it,
師之惰： Their teacher must be too lazy to tell them details on sex.
子不學： You may refuse to study this,
非所宜： But that is a real mistake.
幼不學： If you don’t learn it in childhood,
老何為： You will lose your ability when aged.
玉不琢： If you don’t exercise your dick,
不成器： It won’t become hard and strong.
人不學： If you don’t learn sex,
不知義： You can by no means enjoy its sweetness.
dan says
TonyP4: ROTFL. Thank. Here is another joke that was passed to me:
洋人求學記
有一個老外為了學好漢語，不遠萬里，來到中國，拜師于一位國學教授門下。第一天老外想挑一個簡單詞彙學習，便向老師請教英語”I”在漢語中應該如何說。
老師解釋道：
中國是一個官本位國家，當你處在不同的級別、地位，”I”也有不同的變化，就象
你們英語中的形容詞有原級、比較級、最高級一樣。
比如，你剛來中國，沒有地位，對普通人可以說：”我、咱、俺、餘、吾、予、儂、某、咱家、洒家、俺咱、本人、個人、人家、吾儂、我儂。”
如果見到老師、長輩和上級，則應該說：”區區、僕、鄙、愚、走、鄙人、卑人、敝人、鄙夫、鄙軀、鄙愚、貧身、小子、小可、在下、末學、小生、不佞、不才、不材、小材、不肖、不孝、不類、走狗、牛馬走、愚小子、鄙生、貧生、學生、後學、晚生、晩學、後生晚學、予末小子、予小子、餘小子。”
等到你當了官以後，見到上級和皇帝，則應該說：”職、卑職、下官、臣、臣子、小臣、鄙臣、愚臣、奴婢、奴才、小人、老奴、小的、小底。”
見到平級，則可以說：”愚兄、為兄、小弟、兄弟、愚弟、哥們。”
見到下級，則可以說：”爺們、老子、大老子、你老子、乃公。”
如果你混得好，當上了皇帝或王爺，則可以說：”朕、孤、孤王、孤家、寡人、不轂。”
如果你不願意當官，只好去當和尚、道士，則應該說：”貧道、小道、貧僧、貧衲、不慧、小僧、野僧、老衲、老僧。”
最後一點必須注意，一旦你退休了，便一下子失去了權利和地位，見人也矮了三分，只好說：”老朽、老拙、老夫、愚老、老叟、小老、小老兒、老漢、老可、老軀、老僕、老物、朽人、老我、老骨頭。”
上面一百零八種”I”，僅僅是男性的常用說法。更多的”I”明天講解。
老外聽了老師一席話，頓覺冷水澆頭,一個晚上沒有睡好覺。第二天一大早便 向 老師辭行：”學生、愚、不材、末學、走。”退了房間，訂了機票，回國去了
TonyP4 says
From my friend. Author unknown. Reflect the current financial crisis.
——————-
打工七言絕詩
> 失業半年返職場，割雞還神燒炮仗，開工本應喜洋洋，誰知世態變炎涼 ·
>
> 掃地阿嬸識雞腸，看更得過文學獎，學士碩士唔馨香，皆因博士也在場
>
> 助理一職百人搶，人工一定唔理想，五六仟蚊算中上，十二個月無雙糧 ·
>
> 萬人之下一人上，簽約兩年要裝香，資源增值假現象，強逼發揮你所長 ·
>
> 冷氣滴水修故障，電腦中毒你當殃，修理馬桶最平常，老細座架要保養
>
> 打字影印寫文章，有空送信兼抹窗，早場做到午夜場，七天工作真無良 ·
>
> 週一驗貨到南昌，週二見客在新疆，週三蒙古收爛賬，週四重慶釘木箱 ·
>
> 週五東莞曬臘腸，週六返港天已亮，週日加班無補賞，晚上終於胃潰瘍 ·
>
> 對住老板要讚賞，對應上司扮羔羊，對付下屬要表揚，對待同事要禮讓 ·
>
> 公司文化漸端詳，不懂都要頂硬上，同事有功必定搶，下屬有錯不原諒 ·
>
> 老細鬧我正粉腸，開會猶如打靶場，比人插到胃氣脹，鬧完仲要拍手掌 ·
>
> 返工慘過去當娼，皆因形勢比人強，無奈只有扮智障，只為月底那份糧 ·
>
> 笑臉迎人裝模樣，像是置身於歡場，這種壓力無法想，長此下去會缺氧 ·
>
> 打算請假來休養，老細面孔像晚娘，再講除非嫌命長，返回座位暗神傷 ·
>
> 妻兒少見無印象，晚餐白飯豆瓣醬，家裡只有四面牆，卡啦OK 廁所唱 ·
>
> 身心疲累自惆悵，真想回鄉去插秧，或是少林當和尚，不知不覺進夢鄉
>
> 夢裡見到文天祥，廟前幫人看面相，招手要我捧個場，端詳面相看手掌
>
> 贈言我來日方長，各行各業可多嘗，虛心學習要忍讓，只要奮發心向上
>
> 挖角升職薪水漲，有家有樓有車輛，撥開雲霧見太陽，天空海闊任飛翔 ·
>
> 臨行美金作打賞，天祥雙眼直發亮，睜眼還是四面牆，身旁還是孩子娘 ·
>
> 擦牙洗面打開窗，早餐多士凍鴛鴦，以上所講無誇張，全是打工眾生相 ·
TonyP4 says
I wrote the following after watching the closing ceremony of the Olympic. It is a satire but it is not too far away from the truth. We did have street sweepers from London holding jobs as high officials in Hong Kong – my late father could name names. Actually it was an upgrade when British government sent high crime prisoners as early settlers to Australia. Several folks from EU were very upset and you be the judge.
————-
Hi, my name is Boris
I’m the mayor of London. If I look familiar to you, it is because I was in the closing ceremony in the Beijing Olympic. I have a confession.
I had two dozens of the great Chinese beer and our famous opium before the ceremony (luckily they did not test me for drug). That’s why I looked like a happy child and the flag was so heavy to wave when it was passed to me.
I did not button my jacket, as it was too hot for my big belly. By the way, I picked up the jacket from the flea market. It is a little big, but the price is right.
If you found any grammatical mistake in this confession, it is because I just barely passed high school.
If you asked me why I am the mayor of London, you have to ask why my brother-in-law, a janitor in London, was the governor of Hong Kong.
How many Briton can make all Britons ugly and stupid in 8 minutes? I’m the only one and for that I should get a gold medal.
TonyP4 says
The following joke was told to me on my Yangtze cruise by my fellow traveler. The guy has a talent of telling jokes. I was so naive that I believed in the joke.
——–
The Chinese cook in Columbus’s ship saw America for the first time and said in Taishanese, “Ah Mud Li Ka (roughly translated as “what is this?”, and that’s why it is called America – of course it is not true but the joke is quite funny to me. 🙂