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Chinese American Male

Coming June I will be traveling to Ireland to attend a wedding for my niece. I am happy for her, yet it triggered reflections on my part on the Chinese male/female dynamic, male and female gender ratio imbalance in China, patriarchy and misogyny.
I have 2 nieces, both vivacious and outgoing, having various American boyfriends since high school through college, and good careers in Manhattan and California. They have white boyfriends, the older one was engaged to a Scotsman and now will wed an Irishman, yet neither ever have a Chinese American boyfriend. It’s not because Chinese American males were absent in NYC. I have nephews and knew other friends’ sons, yet they all seem to have difficulty engaging with females. I know most male Chinese Americans are in STEM fields, are introverted, and socially awkward, and I think they make exemplary husbands both in income and respect for women, but maybe not in Hollywood sense of romance. I am sure I am exaggerating to some extend, but I don’t think I am that off the mark. The sense of loneliness probably drove some over the cliff, such as shootings in Virginia Tech and Isla Vista. Though some will take issue with me that Cho was of Korean heritage and Rogers was only half Chinese, but it still holds.
There is no disagreement that human society is a patriarchy except maybe during cave man era. In China, the need for male heir still dominates even in the era of one child policy. Sex selective abortion and abandonment of female babies, which caused gender disparity in China and large adoption of female Chinese babies by Americans. Yet the sex disparity has perversely increased the status of females in China as much as Mao’s dictate of equality of sexes. Hong Kong billionaires may be able to scoop up Olympic female diving champions as their daughter in laws, but villagers short of females must resort to exchange their life saving for Vietnamese brides. In cities like Beijing or Shanghai, one must have an apartment and car ready before wedding bell tolls.
The enrollments in some elite universities has already tipped in favor of females, and that has caused backlashes from males. I suspect Trump’s triumph in the voting booths to some extend was due to misogyny. They disguise the reason for their dislike for Hillary’s Wall Street connection, but now we have a cabinet full of billionaires dismantling any remnants of Obama’s legacy and even some of Roosevelt’s New Deals.
As a male Chinese American, my advice for others is to break away somewhat from the cultural background of Confucian culture of very reserved indifference, be more open to the opposite sex and sexuality. you don’t have to embrace Dionysian carnality, but be open and flowers will help.

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  1. April 12th, 2017 at 10:40 | #1

    Roger has Caucasian father and Asian mother. The reason he shot and killed his full Asian roommates is because they seems to have no problem having dates but not him. So this pretty much invalidate your argument.

    As to why your nieces never dates Asian. It is most likely they grow up in such a racially charged society that their needs for acceptance dictates their dating decision. Check out the following video to see how most Asian females have to behave in a race theme dominated society:


  2. Shuike
    April 13th, 2017 at 04:54 | #2

    I think the past +100 years of indoctrination of white domination/superiority also played on the instinctive psychological attraction to seek a secure & strong mate. You can see this role reversal with the rise of China where there is a discernable increase of white women marrying Chinese men.

  3. N.M.Cheung
    April 13th, 2017 at 06:22 | #3

    Actually Asian income is the highest in U.S., so it’s more than just the rise of China. I suggest you see the video of Wang Jia (TED talk), in which he discusses stereotype of Chinese, but also Chinese males tend to be shy, and they rarely take initiative when interact with females, and Chinese American females accept the stereotype and Hollywood typecasting, and avoid Asian males. Chinese in U.S. may not be the model minority, but I think they are model husbands, a good catch for females, high income, less divorce, family oriented, maybe that’s my stereotype, but both of my brother in laws went back to Hong Kong and Shanghai to find mates.

  4. April 13th, 2017 at 08:40 | #4

    I think we are missing the crux of the issue here. It is always wrong to require the minority to accommodate the needs of the majority. That’s why Mao is right in raising the issue of Han chauvinism. By right China belongs to every Chinese not just the Han Chinese. Be it history, culture or religion, each ethnicity’s legacy should be protected.

    By contrast, with the election of Trump it is pretty obvious many of the voters believe that WASP culture should be the predominant one. Chinese American is almost negligible in term of numbers in the equation. Any Chinese American who want to continue their Chinese legacy would face an uphill battle in such a society. Even sizable minority groups such as African American or Hispanic American face such a problem. Should one completely forget one’s forebears’ legacy to conform with the majority in the so-called melting pot?

    I have to disagree again with your positive stereotype of Chinese males. This is just your perception. To others, the perception of Chinese American male is mostly negative. Of course, many are able to break the glass ceiling and achieved great success in the US. However, “Chineseness” is usually perceived negatively in the West. Let’s face it, it is a legacy of so-called orientalism. If your brother etc wants their descendent to continue being Chinese American, their choice would be extremely limited. That’s would probably limit their spousal choices to a minute percentage of the population, because even if that person has outstanding personality, physique, career many women have no interest in having Chinese American children. Many Asian women who grow up in such an environment thought the same too and would not marry other Asian.

    The problem lies in the fact that, in the US. One is pressured to become American first and foremost but the American is not African American, Hispanic American, Arab American or Korean American. It has to be the mainstream WASP American. However, those women usually would face the same problem when their children grow up because to the majority, they would still be considered Asian. And usually their kids would grow up mentally traumatized by such a society, the male off springs more than the female ones. Of course, the other side of the argument is that if you want to stay Chinese or Asian, don’t come to America. And if we twist the argument again, it is that more Asian should come to America to make things better.

  5. N.M.Cheung
    April 13th, 2017 at 09:11 | #5

    I do not disagree with your point. I was just making an observation, and I admit it’s biased and my stereotype. Asian actors have long protested the lack of chances even if the character calls for an Asian role. Witness the recent movie of Scarlett Johansson playing an Asian role in Japanese manga movie. Certainly American movies portracted Asians in negative stereotypes, as passive, submissive, or communist anti-Christ. In today’s social self promotion, Asians’ self effacing, shyness, and intelligence are a major disadvantage in the competition for mates in U.S..

  6. pug_ster
    April 15th, 2017 at 06:25 | #6

    Personally for me, I am going to have a talk with my daughter about dating white guys. One major disadvantage of white guys is that they don’t share about Chinese values. Chinese guys tends to be more stable than a white guy. I think most Chinese families raising raising their kids don’t teach them about what kind of values they should be raised up, girls brainwashed in the hollywood about how romantic non Chinese guys are. As for Chinese boys growing up an in American world, they are realizing this and I do see some of them dating outside their pack. We should be teaching them that not all Chinese ladies are interested in Chinese guys and they have to look elsewhere if they are interested in Marriage.

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