Peng Shuai’s “I’m Not A Good Girl” Letter Translated

Here’s the letter that suddenly gave the Boycott 2022 Olympics crowd renewed impetus, allow them to cheer and jeer about questions of her disappearance and reappearance, what had happened to her, if she was sexually assaulted.

Has anyone actually read the letter? Some read it as a love letter actually and the protestant sex shame part Western media is focusing on, is actually not the point. It cheapens Peng Shuai’s emotions and the salacious sensationalism adds insult to her injury.

Here’s my translation, with original text for reference. Breaks are mine:

I know it’s hard to explain, futile to even bring it up. But I still want to say it. I am so pretentious; I admit I’m not a good girl, actually very very bad girl.

我知道说不清楚,说了也没有用。但还是想说出来。我是多么的 虚伪不堪,我承认我不是一个好女 孩,很坏很坏的女孩。

About three years ago you, Vice Premier Zhang Gaoli, retired. You asked Dr. Liu from Tianjin Tennis Center to contact me to play tennis at Kang Ming Building in Beijing. After playing in the morning, you and your wife Kang Jie brought me to your home. Then brought me into a room, like in Tianjin more than ten years ago, wanting to have sex with me. I was very scared that afternoon, I never thought it would be like this, an outsider fending for myself, because no one would believe that your wife approves.

大概三年前张高丽副总理你退休了,找天津网球中心的刘大夫再联系到我,约 我打球,在北京的康铭大厦。上午打完球,你和妻子康洁一起带我去了你们家。然后把我带进你家的 房间,和十多年前在天津时一样,要和我发生性关系。那天下午我很怕,根本没想到会是这样,一个 人在外帮守着,因为谁都不可能相信老婆会愿意。

Seven years ago, we had a one-night stand, then you went to Beijing for the Standing Committee and never contacted me again. I hid everything in my heart, since you don’t appear to take responsibility. Why bring me to your home pressure me to have sex? I have no evidence, and it’s impossible to leave evidence. I’m certain you liked me first, eventhou you denied it later, how else would I be able to reach you. That afternoon I did not agree and cried all the time, then you me and Aunt Kang Jie had dinner. You said the universe is vast, Earth is just a grain of sand in the universe, and we humans are less than a grain of sand, meaning I should let go of my baggages. After dinner I still didn’t want to at first, you said you hated me! You said you never forgot me in the past seven years, you will be good to me, etc… With trepidation and feelings I have for you 7 years ago, I agreed. yes, we had sexual relation.

七年前我们发生过一次性关系,然后你开常委去北 京就再没联系过我。原本埋藏了一切在心里,既然你根本不打算负责,为何还要回来找我,带我去你 家逼我和你发生关系?是我没有证据,也根本不可能留下证据。后来你一直否认,可确是你先喜欢的 我,否则我也不可能接触的到你。那天下午我原本没有同意一直哭,晚饭是和你还有康洁阿姨一起吃 的,你说宇宙很大很大,地球就是宇宙的一粒沙,我们人类连一粒沙都没有,还说了很多很多,就是 让我放下思想包袱。晚饭后我也并不愿意,你说恨我!又说你这七年从未忘记过我,会对我好等 等…我又怕又慌带着七年前对你的情感同意了。是的就是我们发生性关系了。

Feeling is a complicated thing, hard to explain. Since that day I rekindled my love for you. Those days spent with you were nice, you were pretty good to me. We chatted about history from ancient to modern. You told me about the knowledge of all things, conversed about economic philosophy, other endless topics. We sang, played chess, ping pong and billiard. Even tennis we can happily play forever. We get along so naturally, everything fit. I left home early as a child, and I was deprived of affection. With with all this, I never thought I was a good girl, I hated I myself, hated why I came to this world and experienced all the trials and tribulation.

感情这东西很复杂, 说不清,从那日后我再次打开了对你的爱,后来与你相处的日子里,单从你人相处你是一个很好很好 的人,对我也挺好,我们从近代历史聊到远古时代,你同我讲万物的知识再谈到经济哲学,聊不完的 话题。一起下棋,唱歌,打乒乓球,桌球,包括网球我们永远可以打得不亦乐乎,性格是那么的合得 来好像一切都很搭。自小离家早,内心极度缺爱,面对发生这一切,我从不认为我一个好女孩,我恨 我自己,恨我为什么要来到这个世界,经历这一劫。

You told me you love me, very very much, hope we meet next life as 18 and 20 year old’s. You said you are alone, miserable by yourself, we have endless conversation, things to tell each other, you said in your position there’s no way to be divorced. Had we met back in Shangdong days perhaps, but it’s impossible now. I thought to just being with you in obscurity and it was fine in the beginning, but days pass things slowly changed, too much unfairness and humiliation. Every time you call me over, your wife would say all kinds of harsh words, insults and cold sarcasm to me behind your back. I mentioned I liked duck tongue, Aunt Kang Jie would say to me ~ ew that’s disgusting. When I say in winter the smog in Beijing is not so good sometimes, Aunt Kang Jie would tell me it’s because I’m from the country side, they don’t feel it, whatnot. If you are there she wouldn’t say these things, but as we would. When we’re together it’s one way, with people around you treat me another way. I told you I feel very sad and aggrieved if I hear too much of all these.

你同我说你爱我,很爱很爱,来生希望在你二十 岁我十八岁时我们就遇见。你说你很孤独,一个人很可怜,我们有聊不完的天,讲不完的话,你说你 这个位置没有办法离婚,如果你在山东时认识,还可以离婚,可是现在没有办法。我想过默默无闻就 这样陪着你,开始还好,可是日子久了慢慢的变了,太多的不公与侮辱。每次你让我去,背着你你妻 子对我说过多少难听侮辱的话,各种冷嘲嘲讽。我说喜欢吃鸭舌,康洁阿姨会冲着我说~唯真恶心。 冬天北京雾霾我说有时候空气不太好,康洁阿姨会对我说,那是你们郊区,我们这儿没感觉,等等诸 如类似的话说了很多很多,你在时候她不这样说,好像和我们一样,两个人相处时是一个样,有旁人 时你对我又是一个样。我同你说过,这些话听多了心里特别难受委屈,

From day one I never took a penny from you, never sought any benefits or gains through you, but status is important. All of this I asked for it, willing to be humiliated. Thru it all you always made me keep all our relationship secret, keep it from my mother. To go to the compound we always switch cars at her church, and She always thought I was just there to play mahjong. We are invisible to each other in our real lives, your wife is like the empress in the palace and I’m indescribably dreadful, often I wonder am I still a person? I feel like I am a zombie, pretending every day. Which is the real me? I shouldn’t have come into this world, but I don’t have the courage to die. I really want a simple life, but such as reality. Night of the 30th we had a big fight, you said we talk again on the 2nd. At noon you called and said some other time, denying everything…

从认识你第一天到现在没用过 你一分钱,更没通过你某去过任何利益或者好出,可名分这东西真重要。这一切我活该,自取其辱。 从头到尾你都是一直让我保密和你的一切关系,更不可以告诉我妈和你有男女关系,因为每次都是她 送我去西什库教堂那儿,然后换你家的车才能进院里。她一直以为我是去打麻将打牌,去你家玩。我 们在彼此的生活中都是真实生活中的一个透明人,你的妻子好像甄嬛传的皇后一样,而我无法形容自 己多么的不堪,很多时候我觉得我自己还是一个人吗?我觉得自己是一个行尸走肉,装,每一天都在 装,哪个我才是真的我?我不该来到这个世界,可又没有勇气去死。我好想可以活的简单点,可事与 愿违。30号那天晚上争议很大,你说2号下午再去你家我们慢慢谈,今天中午打电话来说有事再联 系,推脱一切,借口说改天再联系.…

Just like 7 years ago you “disappeared”, play around then abandoned. You say we are not a transaction. Yes, our feelings have nothing to do with money and power, but it’s difficult to face the fact I have no place to put the three years of feelings. You are always afraid if I will bring a recorder, leave evidence behind. Yes, I did not leave any evidence other than myself, no recording, no video, only my twisted experience. I know your highness Deputy Prime Minister Zhang Gaoli said You are not afraid. But even if it’s banging against the wall, fly into the flame, this moth will tell the truth about you. Smart guy like you surly will deny, or even retaliate, you are in a position to play this cynical game. You always say you hope your mother can bless you from above. I’m a bad girl, unworthy of being a mother, you are father to your children. I asked you, even if your daughter is adopted, would you pressure her to do all this? Will you be able to face your mother after all you’ve done in this life?

就这样和七年前一样“消失了”,玩玩想不要就不要了。你说 我们之间没有任何交易,是,我们之间的感情和钱,权利没有任何关系,可这三年的感情我无处安 放,难以面对。你总怕我带什么录音器,留下证据什么的。是的,除我以外我没留下证据证明,没有 录音,没有录像,只有被扭曲的我的真实经历。我知道对于您位高权重的张高丽副总理来说,你说过 你不怕。但即使是以卵击石,飞蛾扑火自取灭亡的我也会说出和你的事实。以你的智商某路你一定否 认或者可以反打给我,你可以如此玩世不恭。你总说希望你母亲在天可以保佑你,我是一个坏女孩不 配为人母,你为人父也有儿有女,我问过你就算是你的养女你会逼她这么做吗?你今生做的这一切日 后心安理得的去面对你的母亲吗?

We are all respectable people.

我们都很道貌岸然